Like this:

The church I go to is huge, think auditorium style seating, so many many people attend our church any given Sunday. I am a back-seater in the church seating arrangement and because of this I see all walks of life take their seats, settle in and listen to the message (or pretend to). I like to take it all in, from my nice seat in the back row, and just relax. Due to this fact, I see a lot of people doing other things than listening to the pastor’s message.  Now I am not trying to call anyone specific out, but Hey, I’ve got the good vantage point so I see all as they say. Well, I see close to all.

Here are the top ten things I have found for instance that you can do in church.

10. Get caught up on your beauty regimen.
Yes that is right folks, I have seen people file their nails, put make up on (Mostly lip gloss), and brush their hair. Occasionally I have seen nail polish come out, but that has been in the youth services.

9. Get a nice Back rub by your spouse.
Now I am not going to lie, this one kind of wierds me out. Why oh why do you rub your spouses, shoulders, neck, arm, or anything else in church while there are a thousand people around you trying to concentrate on the message? Can’t you wait until you are in the car? I am concentrating on Jesus feeding the 5,000 and the next thing you know I look over and James is giving a massage to his wife Jane, and now all I am thinking about is a Swedish hot rock treatment.

8. Text.
If I had a dime for every text sent during the church message I would seriously be a very rich woman, and have someone else type these blogs while I dictate. Yeah, I’d be THAT stinkin’ rich.

7. Comment on the message that Pastor is talking about.
I admit, I am super-guilty of this. However, I see many other people, lean over while our pastor is making a good point and add to the message. Almost like giving a play by play or having your own personal cliff notes. It doesn’t matter that the poor person next to you, (Sorry my wonderful husband!) has to deal with us giving an additional sermon over the top of what is already being spoken in church.

6. Sleep.
Many many many people have slept in church. There are three levels of sleepers in my opinion.
The Light Sleeper: a person who if there is an amen or a slight agreement in the crowd, the person’s eyes flutter open as if nothing was going on. Their head is usually kept in the upright position, the only thing that is different is that their eyes are closed. Pretty tricky.
The Moderate Sleeper: This person nods off deeply, however, an appropriate applause will rouse them. Look for the head leaning slightly to the right or left and hang there for awhile.
The Sleep So Deeply, Either They are a New Parent, or Up All Night Working: Even if Jesus came back that very moment this person would not wake up. Although very rare, I have seen this form of sleeper. It is especially fun if you let them sleep while everyone files out of church at the end of service.

5. Read anything other than what pertains to the message.
The inserts provided on the seats, mail in your purse, surf the web on your iphone, and seriously, I think I saw one of those ebook readers. One person does get bonus points however, they were reading their bible, but might have been catching up on their daily devotion reading that our church is doing.

4. Watch the Ushers walk around doing their official business.
Our Ushers at our church are uber-cool. Why, you ask? Well they have these ear pieces that make them look like secret service men, and they always have a look of official business about them. Every now and then you can hear a tiny voice from the other end of those earpiece thingys, which make you feel like you are in a movie where Harrison Ford is bound to play The President of the United States. So when more than one usher congregates together, me, along with half the congregation seated next to them look over in interest to see what is going on. Forget it if there are three of them talking together, our pastor might as well push the pause button on the message.

3. Doodle on the Given Notes Sheet
We have many artists in our midst. Many. Even though they try to be good and are attempting to take notes about the message, somehow the name Mary becomes a flower, or a building or even a cloud if you feel whimsical that day.

2. Go to the bathroom 20 times
Unless you are pregnant, sick with a stomach virus, or in the 70+ range, the restroom is only necessary once. Seriously. On a Side note, if you are sick with a stomach virus, why are you attending church? We have a church online option, which I am pretty sure cancels out the chance of anyone catching what you’ve got.

1. Watch the Boom Camera Operate up and down
If you are a newbie at church you don’t realize that the camera on a boom operates right over the heads of the people sitting in the back left. It is especially fun to watch those people actively listening to the message, really interested in what Pastor is saying when a 1,000 pound camera dangles just feet over their head. Bonus points if you catch them look up casually, and jolt in fright when they realize this fact. Uber points if a slight shock emits from their lips.

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